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The Holstowitz Report: Iran Concedes, Confesses, Converts
Hat tip to Andy B
Tehran, Iran — In a stunning announcement rejecting centuries of Islamic doctrine, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ali Hosseini Khamenei, said he surrenders his country to the United States, apologizes for past hostilities and will instruct Iran’s citizens to become Southern Baptists or affiliate with a comparable fundamentalist Christian sect.
Khamenei said the bunker-buster bombs that U.S. war planes dropped on Iran over the weekend did not completely destroy Iran’s nuclear-enrichment facilities but that the attack had “opened my eyes.”
“I realized I had been blinded most of my life to the reality that there Christian sects as paternalistic, judgemental and warlike as Islam,” he said. “We have wasted so much money and so many lives in wars we didn’t need to fight.
“Who needs jihad when we can have crusades?” he said. “Who needs Shariah law when there’s Project 2025.”
Khamenei also said that as part of Iran’s conversion, former Muslims would no longer use the phrase “Allah Akbar” (God is Great).
He said he would take his cue from “noted theologian” Donald J. Trump.
“From now on, we will say ‘God, we love you, man.’”
